Those Back-to-School Blues



For the first time in a long time, there are no children in my house heading back to school after Labor Day. I remember when my brood contributed to the scourge of rugrats, armed with backpacks and t-squares in droves!


Here’s what you can expect:

– Kids walking in the road, apparently not caring that you’re driving a 2-ton tank that can steamroll their little asses flat!

– School buses EVERYwhere. Even when you take an alternate route to avoid them, the buses will take that SAME route…just to piss you off!

– All 20 of your kids’ teachers will send THE SAME EFFIN’ FORM TO REPEATEDLY FILL OUT!!! Doesn’t the friggin’ art teacher ever talk to the social studies teacher?! Why, in 2016, are we even killing all these trees when we could fill out the info one time online and it be distributed to the teachers who need it?!

– You will be hounded to join the PTA! If you don’t join, members of the PTA will follow you home, beat down your door like Jehovah’s Witnesses, and target you for a hit!!!

– If there is a team or activity to join, your child will always join the one for which the school does not provide transportation (i.e., swim team practice ends at 5:15 and the late buses stop running at 5…)!

– Your child will lose whatever paperwork you have filled out, which means you’ll to have to fill it out again!

– If you send money, even as a check, it WILL be lost!!!

– Your little crumb-snatcher WILL lie to you and say either, “I don’t have any homework,” or “I did it in study hall!” LITTLE SAWED-OFF, BOLD-FACED LIARS!!!

– If there’s a project due post-haste, your child will tell you the NIGHT BEFORE! And it will start off something like this: “Oh, by the way, Daddy, I need $500 worth of poster board, markers, glue, and some other esoteric BS that we don’t have so I can complete this project that determines my final grade–and it’s due TOMORROW!!!”

– In the above scenario, your face will turn beet red as you demand to know why your child didn’t tell you when they first got the project assignment a month ago. The rotten apple of your eye will then shrug his/her shoulders and simply say, “I forgot.”

You see, the whole back-to-school thing isn’t just for your children’s educations; it’s also designed to drive you out of your friggin’ mind!

Parent-teacher conference, anyone?!

Deez Nuts for President!


Deez Nuts for President

The presidential race is getting tight, with the two major candidates leaving voters to choose the lesser of two evils. Early on, this mysterious figure cast his bid for the Oval Office. It seemed a joke then but should be given some serious consideration, now. After all, what do we have to lose?!

DEEZ NUTS for President. DEEZ NUTS for life!

Expect Deez Nutz

Petition for Implementation of MF Day



As I write this, we are celebrating moms around the world. Maternal figures are special because, not only do they perform a job no man would do (or even volunteer for), but being a mother is pretty much a thankless job. So, my hat’s off to all the ladies who have carried, raised, taught, hugged, advised, loved, and fed any other little person. Takes a special woman to pull that off with grace and style.

But I wanna talk about the men who make those ladies mothers in the first place, henceforth known as MF’s. Here’s the breakdown:

– When a man does an outstanding job, he is called “That MF” (i.e., “That MF takes care of me and my children AND he pays the bills!”)

– When a man does wrong, he is called “This MF” (i.e., “After being true to his ass for all those years, this MF gon’ up and leave me for a younger woman!”)

– When he handles business in the bed, the MF is tearing it up

– When he keeps messing up the finances, the MF is bound to get replaced

– When he cracks corny jokes, the MF thinks he’s funny, but he isn’t

– The dude who doesn’t seem to learn from his mistakes is an ignorant MF

– The guy who won’t come off the dime is a cheap MF

– A man who isn’t attractive is uglier than a MF

The list goes on an on. It seems that we men cannot escape the inevitability of being MF’s. Because of that, we shouldn’t shun the title and should instead embrace it!

I posit that the day after Mothers Day should be set aside to honor, venerate, and reflect upon those multipurpose MF’s who make women moms in the first place. I am submitting this petition to immediately implement MF Day across the globe. Mothers and children on every corner of the earth should be on hand to recognize the MFing culprit who is responsible.

As for me, I only bloom where I’m planted. It’s just that the seed in this garden is a MFing seed that yielded one crazy MF!!!