An Ode to Cap’n Crunch, the Crack Dealer of the Breakfast Cereal World

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I grew up in a home where my mother did cruel and unusual things like buy bags of PUFFED RICE. There is NOTHING worse than eating a bowl of styrofoam packing for breakfast! I think she was giggling off in the corner while we ate heaping spoonfuls, tears running down our little cheeks! Occasionally, she would splurge and get us Alpha Bits or even Rice Krispies. I was completely deprived of anything Sir Captain of the Crunch had to offer.

Then I joined the military and moved OUT of that bleak dungeon. Then, I ventured into the commissary one Saturday evening and did something I’d wanted to do all my life up until that point: I purchased a box of Peanut Butter Crunch… And wound up eating the whole damned thing that night!!!

I’ve since given up sugary cereals for healthier stuff like granola, which I enjoy. However, every now and then, when I traipse down that cereal aisle, I can hear the Captain whispering to me like the crack dealer he is! I then take off running, often spilling the contents of my cart, trying to remember those painful months I spent in rehab, RIDDING myself of that man and all his sugary, sweet, delicious offerings!!!

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