DC has Done it Yet Again: Pissed Me Off at the Box Office

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My heart is broken, having grown up reading DC comics as a kid. I just automatically assumed that the magic would transfer over to the silver screen and at LEAST put them on par with Marvel.

Nope.

In light of Marvel’s Avengers issuing out pimp slaps by way of box office receipts and pleased fans, DC tried something different with Suicide Squad…and failed. I found myself searching for a plastic butter knife to stage my own form of simulated seppuku just to not have to watch anymore of the movie.

So impassioned was I that I wrote this to a friend about it:

DC is sippin’ the Kool-Aid again. Seems the only place they’ve gotten it right was with Nolan’s Dark Knight trilogy.

Last night, I wasted about 2 hours and 15 minutes of my life on a steaming pile of special EFX-laden crap called ‘Suicide Squad.’ I’m almost considering suing Warner Brothers for that time I’ll never get back. Anytime you find yourself asking yourself, “WTF is the point of this film?” over and over again, somebody got it wrong.

Okay, I’ll give it to them that Jared Leto’s portayal of the Joker was a fresh take on the villain, but that alone wasn’t enough to pull the movie out of the pile. The actress playing Harley Quinn was DEFINITELY pretty enough and I kept asking where the heck had I seen her (turns out, she and Will Smith were romantic leads in ‘Focus’). Smith was good but I quickly realized the reason why he was allowed to traipse around without his mask (or taking it on and of at will) was so we could continue to identify with the star power of the flick.

Speaking of which, this film is something I would pick outta my nose and wanna flick onto the folks who greenlit the project in the first place. Yeah, DC is trying hard as hell to keep up with the younger, fresher, more daring Marvel. However the former gets no forgiveness, as they never had to fuss about character rights, as DC and Warner have always been connected.

Oh, and I recently checked out the turd in which Batman and Superman (the most interesting DC property versus the most boring, overused, played out character in their arsenal) did battle. By the time they both mentioned that their mothers were named Martha, I was squirming in my seat, trying to figure out whether or not I should attempt to slice my wrists with a plastic butter knife.

With the exception of Nolan and Burton’s takes on the Caped Crusader, and ‘The Watchmen’ (which doesn’t even fall into the official canon), DC movies are a waste of my time. In fact, each time I go to the theater, stream through Netflix, or watch on a DVD I refused to purchase, I have to chalk up any DC movie as a 2.5 hour waste of my life, in advance. It’s not that Marvel doesn’t lay bricks every now and then (I’ve been told to avoid the last incarnation of ‘Fantastic 4’ like a whore with AIDS telling me she likes it raw), but they seem to have used their gestation time to produce better product.

This is like a relationship where the significant other continually asks for another try, when the track record of abuse, infidelity, and incurring debt is as plain as the pimple on my left butt cheek. The funny things is, I was watching ‘Suicide Squad’ at a buddy’s house. He and I are about to work on something that could very well become a compelling graphic novel. He kept saying throughout the film how cool it was but I kept thinking about picking sock lint from between my toes.

I don’t know what the answer is for DC when it comes to the big screen. However, they have the money, the artists, the writers, and everything else that would make any fan wonder why they keep wasting our time with their bullshyt. I’m actually angry and about ready to completely dismiss anything they put out, whether in print, on the small or big screens. I wish they would do something to prove me wrong, because I grew up cutting my teeth on their comics.

However, all feelings of nostalgia have now faded. It’s not about loyalty, but the fulfillment of a business relationship: when I buy a ticket, I expect to walk out of the theater feeling I’ve watched 2+ hours of magic take place. Instead, with the rising price of movie tickets, I’m left with emptier pockets and a sense of regret.

Here’s the deal: it’s not too late. DC could turn this thing around and offer us something other than the Caped Crusader or the Son of Jor-El; they could also stop trying so hard to be LIKE Marvel. At one time, DC was just as good. Until they decide to get it together, I’ll be holding onto my few coins and not wasting my time catching their stuff in other formats.