Those Back-to-School Blues



For the first time in a long time, there are no children in my house heading back to school after Labor Day. I remember when my brood contributed to the scourge of rugrats, armed with backpacks and t-squares in droves!


Here’s what you can expect:

– Kids walking in the road, apparently not caring that you’re driving a 2-ton tank that can steamroll their little asses flat!

– School buses EVERYwhere. Even when you take an alternate route to avoid them, the buses will take that SAME route…just to piss you off!

– All 20 of your kids’ teachers will send THE SAME EFFIN’ FORM TO REPEATEDLY FILL OUT!!! Doesn’t the friggin’ art teacher ever talk to the social studies teacher?! Why, in 2016, are we even killing all these trees when we could fill out the info one time online and it be distributed to the teachers who need it?!

– You will be hounded to join the PTA! If you don’t join, members of the PTA will follow you home, beat down your door like Jehovah’s Witnesses, and target you for a hit!!!

– If there is a team or activity to join, your child will always join the one for which the school does not provide transportation (i.e., swim team practice ends at 5:15 and the late buses stop running at 5…)!

– Your child will lose whatever paperwork you have filled out, which means you’ll to have to fill it out again!

– If you send money, even as a check, it WILL be lost!!!

– Your little crumb-snatcher WILL lie to you and say either, “I don’t have any homework,” or “I did it in study hall!” LITTLE SAWED-OFF, BOLD-FACED LIARS!!!

– If there’s a project due post-haste, your child will tell you the NIGHT BEFORE! And it will start off something like this: “Oh, by the way, Daddy, I need $500 worth of poster board, markers, glue, and some other esoteric BS that we don’t have so I can complete this project that determines my final grade–and it’s due TOMORROW!!!”

– In the above scenario, your face will turn beet red as you demand to know why your child didn’t tell you when they first got the project assignment a month ago. The rotten apple of your eye will then shrug his/her shoulders and simply say, “I forgot.”

You see, the whole back-to-school thing isn’t just for your children’s educations; it’s also designed to drive you out of your friggin’ mind!

Parent-teacher conference, anyone?!

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