An Ode to Cap’n Crunch, Crack Dealer of the Breakfast Cereal World

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Cereal Triad

It’s Saturday morning. As a kid, my favorite thing was to get a huge bowl and watch cartoons. Of course, this was after fighting with my brother and sister over the prize in the box…

I grew up in a home where my mother did cruel and unusual things like buy bags of PUFFED RICE. There is NOTHING worse than eating a bowl of Styrofoam packing for breakfast! I think she was giggling off in the corner while we ate heaping spoonfuls, tears running down our little cheeks! Occasionally, she would splurge and get us Alpha Bits or Rice Krispies. We were completely deprived of anything Sir Captain of the Crunch had to offer.

One day, I finally moved OUT of that bleak dungeon. I ventured into the grocery store one Saturday evening and did something I’d wanted to do all my life: I purchased a box of Peanut Butter Crunch… And wound up eating the whole damned thing that night!!!

I’ve since given up sugary cereals for healthier stuff like granola, which I actually enjoy. However, every now and then, when I traipse down that cereal aisle, I can hear the Captain whispering to me like the crack dealer he is! I then take off running, often spilling the contents of my cart, trying to remember those painful months I spent in rehab, RIDDING myself of that man and all his sugary, sweet, delicious offerings!!!

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2 thoughts on “An Ode to Cap’n Crunch, Crack Dealer of the Breakfast Cereal World

  1. Deacon J. Reid

    Well my Dude,

    As Florida used to say, “Damn-Damn-Damn!!!!!”, the world as we knew it growing up was real and the pusher we met was not something of our dreams. He was laced out in a nautical outfit and huge blue hat called the Cap’n. Who knows, maybe that’s where I get the catch phrase, “what’s up capt”. I would argue that your misfortune of not experiencing the cornucopia of cereal delights were due to the fact that they didn’t come to the ghetto, but I would be lying. The truth behind the childhood conspiracy is, it was a man by the name of Jay Ward, who you might remember by the characters of Bullwinkle, Rocky and Dudley Do-Right. I’m sure if you came up in a family such as mine, poverty was the commonality within our communities and excellence was our golden ticket out of the P.J.’s. Television was the devil in my house and cartoons were the advocates to our demise. If my memory serves me correctly, this product was introduced in the early mid 60’s. Our parents had time to research these cereals, at least in my case it was since I was born in 1970. All I can offer is there is something to the two forms of utopia which draws children to the flame. Sugar and Cartoons; maybe our parents were smarter than we gave them credit for.

    • I hate to admit, I went to the store and got a huge box of Peanut Butter Crunch today. To my credit, I had a single bowl, then put it on the shelf.

      My mom was careful about our sugar intake, which was AWESOME! She pushed a lot of fruit instead of candy and heavily-sugared cereals. We were left to go to the houses of friends and cousins, only to drool over the delicious choices they had on their shelves. Plain Cheerios was commonplace; Rice Krispies and Corn Flakes were standards. I can recall my mother buying King Vitamin, which is like the original deployment of the Cap’n, minus much of the sugar.

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